We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
