Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
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