Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
Wow just saw this. Nothing like a little anal sex to ring in 2012.
And now she's hand feeding me pork rines and showing me her angry birds high scores. This is Vegas.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
