i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Randomize
