i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Randomize
