So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
Randomize
