I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
