i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
That reminds me...we need to get swords
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
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