im about as happy as oj after his trial
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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