girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Randomize
