My underwear smells like fireworks.
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
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