she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Randomize
