Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
what's Bukake?
a bad idea.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
