dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
Randomize
