The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
Randomize
