u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
Just saw two girls doing a walk of shame together. Slut bonding at it's best.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
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