i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
