She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
i out mim tonsoeep
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