apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Randomize
