I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
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