Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
I stole a fireplace last night.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
