It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Randomize
