I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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