Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
Randomize
