I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
