I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
Randomize
