That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
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