Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
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