Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Randomize
