I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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