The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
We need to rekindle our bromance
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
