hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
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