well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
3 2 1 whiskey
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Randomize
