I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
Randomize
