I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
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