There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
