I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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