It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
You brought string cheese to the strip club
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
Randomize
