My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
