Kiss
Puke
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
