I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
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