I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
Randomize
