I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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