I need a slap back to reality. Or at least a slap back to homosexuality
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
Randomize
