you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
Randomize
