I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
i can't believe i had my finger in that
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
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