"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
