mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
Randomize
