I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
