Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
