you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
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